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The Hardest Thing

This week I began my 5K training.  Yesterday was rough after being gone for a week and not eating right the whole time I was away at camp.  I couldn't finish the entire 50 minutes, but did make it almost the entire time.  Today I completed the whole workout: 5min warm up, 40min intervals (1min run, 1 1/2min walk), and a 5min cool down.  Feeling pretty good.  Think Wednesday (tomorrow) will be an off day and then Thursday, Friday, & Saturday to complete the first 5 day week!

While at the gym this morning my treadmill friend and I got to talking about her kids and them growing up.  How she prays for their future spouses as well as 'My Katie's future spouse' each day!  I'm super grateful for her prayers, but every time someone says that I'll definitely get married or that I'll be such a great mom some day or that I just need to be patient (well, we know I have trouble with that) - all I really want is to SCREAM at the top of my lungs.  Not mean words, nothing obscene, or am I even angry in any fashion with that person.

I just want to scream and think, "Lord, they can all see it.  These people who are imperfect.  You who are perfect just don't seem to get it."  Now, I know you're getting ready to type in the comments the following: "Katie, you need to be patient for God's timing."  OR "God has an even better plan that you can imagine for you."  OR "You never know what he's going through, he might not be ready to meet you yet." OR a hundred other comments that I've heard a THOUSAND times!  I've even said them to myself a million times!

I KNOW all of these things...and honestly, I firmly believe them myself.  In Isaiah 55, God tells us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD."  He has a completely different way of doing things than we do.  And you know what, that's a good thing.  Our ways are scarred by sin and brokenness.  They are rooted more in what is good for me, not what is best for all of us.  They are also limited since we cannot see the entirely of all creation throughout time.

I have some great plans!  I've met some wonderful men in my life, good, holy men who just aren't in the plan for me.  I've also come to the realization that maybe I'm the one who's not ready.  That's very plausible since as I look in the mirror I see a lot of flaws that need to go away.  Every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere in my quest for virtue I see something else that needs to be removed.

So what I need to do is focus more on being the woman God created me to be and less on finding the man who God created for me.  A friend of mine always tells me to pray for my Joseph (you know, like from Mary & Joseph - not necessarily a man who's name is Joseph).  A man who is humble, caring, and a strong leader.  She tells me about how she had been for a while and whens he met her husband, she realized after a few months that his middle name actually is derived from Joseph!  How cool! (for her)

Well, in adoration a few weeks back I was praying about this and it came to me that even more than praying for my Joseph, I need to become his Mary.  I can pray all I want about who I want my husband to be, but the only thing in my control is who I am.  And I know that I want a man who desires a wife who is like Mary.  SO, what I can I do about that - be who he's looking for: Mary.  So I'm going to strive to do that, be more like Mary.  Humble, caring, a servant's heart, always seeking what the Lord's will is, and more.  Maybe then I'll have enough patience to wait on the Lord and what He's trying to accomplish in both of our lives before the big day!


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