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I Think You're Just Saying That

I was talking with a woman at Church on Sunday about the busyness of my life and how things are going. Her life is way crazier than mine with the recent loss of her mother and the responsibility she's been given of her siblings who are dependent on others for everything they need in life. The busy travel schedule and hardship of being single seems like such an inconsequential issue in life.

I felt silly for even sharing what I perceive as my problems. That I'm still sleeping alone in my big girl bed, in the middle, and can't seem to find someone to share my life with - or even a hot meal or a cup of tea at bare minimum.

Although our conversation ended with a phrase I'm coming to dislike.

"He's Out There."

I used to say "I know, it's just not time yet" or "I can't wait until he gets here" or "Maybe his lost his GPS" or "His directions must not have printed out clearly" ... those last two are just my sarcastic comments back when I'm feeling a little punchy.

My response lately is "You don't know that, maybe he's not."

I think this is indicative of some other feelings going on in my life. I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed, rather than keeping the habit of sleeping on the left or the right (it's the right btw). I have also dived deeper into my career to advance what's happening there. I've always been pretty indifferent about work thinking I would leave in short order to stay at home with my kids, not any more. I'm even considering now what I would want to do in the next five to ten years. Is a digital rep my long-term future? Not sure. If I was seeing someone, would I be traveling as much for work? Being away for weeks/days at a time? Probably not, I'd like to spend some time with that man.

I'm also trying to foster friendships with more single ladies. In my inner circle, they're all gone. Either married or mamas or both. I need more single ladies in my life to keep me feeling sane and not entirely worthless or damaged.

I'm not sure that this man is really out there though. I don't even know what dating someone would look like to be perfectly honest.

Although this seems like an inconsequential issue to many others, it's a big deal in my life. This frustration is creeping itself into other areas of my life. This week's prayer request for the impossible nature of St. Jude's requests might be this very topic.


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