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NAS: Deal Breakers?


We have chatted about our deal breakers/non-negotiables before (well, I didn't participate then, but the other ladies did), but how do you keep from letting your standards fall? What prevents you from just dating any guy out there? What keeps you going?

So for this topic, I just read the beginning of Jen's post and am totally going to steal this paragraph and say I completely agree and couldn't have typed it better myself:
I am not going to date just any guy, because I want to date a godly man. I want to share in that together. For me, the biggest thing: sharing in the sacraments together. The Eucharist. Confession. It's a beautiful gift, but to experience those things together with your future hubby is truly incredible (I would imagine). The grace you receive in general is awesome, but also for your relationship?? It can only make it stronger and pointed toward Heaven.
How do I not lose hope that the guy I think exists does in fact actually exist?  Well, because really - there's no other option.  There's no option except, this is the desire that God has placed on my heart, continues to place on my heart, and so it (both marriage and the guy I'm attracted to) must be there.  Otherwise, I guess I'll be a single gal for a long, long time.  

I also get hope from Cindy's theory of The Veil:
Think of The Veil as a simple metaphor:  It is the idea that God places a protective veil over all of us and the purpose of the veil is to hide us from every possible suitor except the one that God intends for us to marry.  I call the person God wants us to marry our ‘holy spouse.’
Thinking this is the only way to continue to hope that a guy for me exists (I'll use a rather than the since I haven't fully prescribed to the fact that there's only one - when I do, I lose some hope - see the comments on this post from earlier this month) especially when the nice guy I met at Church never calls, or the messages on CM randomly stop.

I also keep hope because I meet them, they aren't still single anymore - most of the time they've got beautiful wives and a gaggle of babes.  The thing I don't know is whether they were truly Godly men before they met their wives or if they grew in virtue because they met their wives.  That is the real key.  So if the second is true - then looking for a super Godly man now seems difficult - better to grow in virtue together.  But if they were great before their wife's influence, then better to hold out.

But what are these deal breakers?  If you're looking to fix me up, what should you look for?  Well, I will suffice is to say this - the dream I have of what marriage should look like - what good marriages do look like - what couples who have stayed married appear to be.  

1.  The men lead spiritually.  This does not mean that the women have no spiritual say or ever utter a word that is a difference in opinion of their husbands.  I attend Mass weekly, well, actually daily - and I want my children to be faithful Catholics.  Statistically the best way to get that result is for them to have a father who prays, leads spiritually, is present spiritually, and teaches them.  If the father is not a strong spiritual leader, then it's a coin toss if the kids are.  If the father is a strong spiritual leader, then there's an almost 90% chance that the kids will be.  If my number one job in life is to get my kids to Heaven (well them and my husband), then I want to have the best odds possible.  So setting them up with a strong spiritual leader as a father seems like the only way to do that.

2.  The couple respects one another.  When differences of opinion about anything - as small as where to eat out to as large as education of children or financial issues - inevitably occur, then respect each other enough to listen to all sides and then live with the decision that best suits both spouses.  If there's not respect for one another or each other, then no true marriage can exist or last.

3.  Each spouse is trying to grow in virtue and they encourage each other.  This of course relates to chastity in a dating relationship - where you can figure out who's serious about virtue growth and who's doing it (or in this case not doing it, if you will) just because the other one 'says so'.  This also relates to family planning methods in marriage like NFP or just being open to life (as Haley says at Carrots: Awesome Family Planning).  Our goal is salvation.  The ultimate end of marriage is salvation for both spouses.  We both need to have that goal in mind.  If our desires aren't to "Be a Saint" when this is all said and done, then our marriage will never last.

And at bare minimum that is it - I mean, none of the rest of it matters, I don't think anyway.

Check out Jen's for the other ladies and as always thanks to her and Morgan for hosting!  See you next week!

Comments

  1. Great post! I am with ya on the man leading spiritually! I have heard, though, that the man will take lead from his wife. If the wife isn't into, then there is a chance that the husband will lose his desire to lead. It's a two way street, ya know?

    Thanks for the shout out, btw!

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    Replies
    1. I hear you! I'm just worried about my tendency for control taking over if the man is a wishy washy leader. How can I played down my super controlling self and let him lead?!

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  2. Thank you for the shout out, Katie! Great post! Praying for you, Cindy

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Cindy, I appreciate the prayers!

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  3. Those are all super important qualities. I love to hear the men I know talk about God and about their spiritual lives. The Church, especially in the U.S., is portrayed as such a touchy-feely place that I think many men are turned off by it. Their words and actions give me hope.

    I also 100% believe what you said about the father as a spiritual leader influencing the children. When my dad decided to become Catholic after over 25 years of marriage, that had a direct influence on my return to Catholicism (from nothing, really).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment! I totally agree!

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  4. Keep fighting the good fight, these sound great!

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