Getting to Know Me {Temperament Tuesday}

...seems to take a while.  Figuring out if I'm called to marriage, who I'm called to marry, looking to find him in this crazy mixed up world.  It all seems to take awhile.  I know as you read it you're probably shaking your head saying, "It took you 28 years to figure that out, things do seem to take you a while."  Well, I'm smart, but a little slow on the uptake at times.

So while I'm discerning, looking, and trying to figure it all out, I see character flaws and weaknesses that need to be worked out before I can ever think about being the other half of a couple.  One of them has always been comparing myself, life, weaknesses, strengths, and more to other people.  Not that I've really been working on it.  I think the turning point was this past lent in confession.  I had gone to my Spiritual Director during a Penance Service at my parish (he's the pastor somewhere else).  So there wasn't an hour to work on things before confession or preparation on his part that I was arriving.  And I confessed being obsessed with comparison with my family, friends, strangers, God, and everyone!  His only words of wisdom were looking up and asking, "Is this the first time you've confessed this?" I was taken aback completely thinking, "Is he serious? I come to him every 6 weeks, we surely don't have the relationship I thought we did because he doesn't know me at all!  He must be losing his mind slowly, good thing he's retiring."  I replied, "No."  Immediately, he replied, "I know that, I just wanted to make sure you knew that."

Now it's not that I don't do that from time to time, but I am not obsessed with it as much as I have been.  So one of a thousand weaknesses worked on a tiny bit.

Then I decided I should take on another weakness because well, I'm trying to become a saint to be honest.  MG and I have discussed before about what we should do as single women to prepare for our vocation to marriage.  One of the things we discuss many, many times is the importance of being an E5 woman.  From this passage:

Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.

I was just skimming over the rest of the chapter (that was verse 22) and it's pretty incredible.  I think I'm going to need to read it on a daily basis and work on being a virtuous person, but anyway - not the point of this post in particular. 

To help work on this I asked for help from the Sacred Heart during the Novena at the beginning of June.  "The grace of following your will in my life to be an Ephesians five woman to prepare for my future marriage."  I found there have been a few (ahem, many) opportunities to practice this virtue.  And I feel like I've failed during most of them. 

One of those opportunities was last night and I felt like I failed miserably, like always.  My temperament says that my weaknesses are as follows:

But your weaknesses include a tendency to excessive self-criticism and criticism of others, being dismissive or overly judgmental, exhibiting a tendency to self-absorption, and possessing an untrustful and controlling nature. You tend to be inflexible, can bear grudges for a long time and may be prone to discouragement. A melancholic-choleric who is not attentive to her spiritual life, and does not keep her eye assiduously on the truly important things of life can become a cross to those around her, through her nit-picking, perfectionism, disdain, bitterness, resentfulness, spitefulness when crossed, and even haughtiness.

That paragraph pulls out my weaknesses perfectly.  I know that is my tendency and I'm not sure how to overcome it.  That is absolutely the truth.  A friend told me that my friends fear me - and I'm not sure if he was kidding me or not, but I took it to heart.  Fear of disappointing, opposing, or anything else.  I want to be a good friend, but I fear that I'm driving them way and I don't even know it.

Was inspired to write this because of the link-up being hosted over at To the Heights. Also was excited to see that Olivia and I have the same temperament.  I'll be taking her post to prayer as I learn how to live as a Melancholic-Choleric.