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The Cross I'm Not Carrying

Tonight I had to run to Harris Teeter for some snacks to serve my very good friend Father Emmanuel from the Congo and the family who's hosting him tomorrow evening when the come over. I've been in my PJs (ie: shorts & a t-shirt I typically wear only to bed) since I got home from the 5pm Mass. When I pulled into the parking lot I noticed Sister E's car there and texted to see if she too was at HT. She was and we got to see each other for the first time in what felt like months. It was so great to catch up.

Our really great conversation ended with me crying in the middle of the HT parking lot. Although it ended in tears, it was a really great conversation.

I've been having some trouble lately with the cross I've been given to carry. The single life with a deep desire to be married with children. It seems like everyone else has all of these things that I want. I see how I am incredibly blessed by God. I know this. He takes such good care of me. Like just the weekend when I had a water leak in my ceiling. Yes now we have the Great Leak of 2015 as a sequel to the Disgusting Leak of 2014 when the entire downstairs had to be redone. It was from some hoses on the washer that are soon going to be replaced with a brand new washer and dryer set someone is getting me for free from the factory. Taken care of! Completely!

When I was talking to Sister E she said something that I couldn't stop thinking about when I came home - and then I was watching Parenthood on Netflix (to which I am addicted - and I cry at almost every episode - so be warned if you're going to start - it gets emotional!). There's some pretty intense stuff that happens to these characters you've grown to love and feel like they are a part of your own family.

Sister E said from the outside no one would know you have this struggle - the single life struggle that leads to crying in the HT parking lot. And she's right. My friends know, they know because it's constant and they are always talking me down from it. They are probably exhausted doing that and really just want to slap me across the face so I'll finally get it - God had a bigger plan that He set in motion at the beginning of time - calm yourself! But anyway...

I have an amazing job. This new job I took is really a perfect fit for me. I love the work I'm doing. I'm good at it. I was Electronic Sales Specialist of the Month for June and am a serious contender for July as well. The first month was really just practice, getting to know the business and finding opportunities. Who knows if it will last, but it's really great right now.

I haven't had to worry about my financial situation for a long time. I am frugal, but I was able to buy a house - and decorate it how I wanted to (with a little help from my flood insurance money). I know how to do the things I want to do here, so I can DIY things.

My family is healthy and so am I. There are minor issues here and there, but we aren't battling cancer right now or being with someone through the last days of their life in hospice. I'm not struggle with infertility (well I wouldn't really know that for sure being a single gal - but I keep track of these sorts of things and there are no known issues). Even the minor health issue I struggle with (chronic and frequent sinus infections) is just that minor.

I'm always concerned about the cross I'm carrying. This crazy "I'm single and I don't want to be and what's wrong with me and why won't anyone love me and everyone else is finding someone to marry them" cross that I think is too heavy. I forget how heavy the crosses I"m not carrying are. Unemployment, Terminal Health Issues, a Job I really dislike, Infertility, Homelessness, Mental Illness, Addiction, Abuse.

I'm not great at this, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to focus on the lightness of my cross and work on my perspective. I can't really change what other people are experiencing, but I can recognize that my attitude could use an adjustment in relation to where I stand with the Lord. That is one thing I can control - and maybe the only thing I should make an effort to have complete control of on a regular basis.


p.s. I would be remiss if I didn't state how I've been away from here for a while - mostly new job stuff. But I need this outlet in order to less some stress of sometimes. Unless I just use the crying during every episode of Parenthood to take care of that! So I'll pop in from time to time to write for myself. If those posts also speak to you where you're at, I'd love for you to share with me so we can journey together. Until next time...

Comments

  1. This speaks to my heart so much, Katie! It's so easy to get caught up in what I wish my life had and lose sight of how good I have it. That doesn't diminish the struggle, but it sometimes helps with keeping things in perspective. Thank you for your raw honesty, it's helpful knowing that I'm not alone in this!!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing Morgan. I too think I'm the only one who is thinking these things, I'm glad to know it's not just me!

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  2. Oh, it's not just you, Katie! Thanks for being so open :-) A few thoughts:

    1. Sometimes we need to cry. That is okay, even if it's in a parking lot.

    2. You're kind of a boss for taking care of the water stuff. Ew.

    3. It's SO TRUE that people don't get it. From the outside, you have it all: a great job, and all the time to do whatever you want. Besides a few sympathetic friends, people don't get it. And that is legit frustrating.

    4. Congratulations on being the specialist of the month! Whoohoo! That is awesome and you must be working really hard!

    At least for me, with anything I go through, it doesn't help me to compare it to what other people go through. Now you may be totally different, and that's okay! But for me I have to recognize that my struggle is a real struggle to be able to get over it. Does that even make sense? It's perfectly natural to desire to be married, and it doesn't make you crazy at all. It IS a real struggle.

    Your words are such a good reminder to focus on approaching struggles with a good attitude. When we can't change things, it does so much good to work on being able to make the most of it. Even when it's hard. Standing in solidarity with you and keeping you in my prayers!

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