Just last week my managers asked to have dinner with just me before a big event, and all I could think all afternoon was "what did I do wrong now?" and "how will I recover from this?" It wasn't that at all. It was them offering me a promotion and additional duties at work because they think I'm great at my job.
How can I have such a different view of myself than other people do? Some might say that this is humility, not being boastful and proud about your accomplishments. However, I don't think it's that because if I was being humble, I wouldn't feel so inadequate. I'd recognize the gifts that God has provided to me and embrace them. I don't think I'm doing that.
Two weeks ago I was speaking to someone at work about a concern they were having with management. She said she could talk to me about it because she knows "I don't care what others thing of me" and "I'm super confident in my abilities." Really? That was my response - "you think I'm super confident and don't care what others think of me?" WOW! I wish that was true.
I cannot decide if it's easier or harder to be confident in my position as a remote worker. It can be difficult since I don't see the people that I work with on a regular basis. Only a select few do I see often, and those relationships seem to be something completely different than I thought they were. A recent event changed my opinion of these women and how I relate to them. It's hard when you think one thing is true and something completely different ends up occurring. Like I did something incredibly wrong and am inadequate.
There it is again. It seems to be my default when something goes wrong or is out of place.
There are so many things that bring this thought to the forefront of my mind. Being single - am I not enough for someone? Being 'not a size 6 or even an 8 or a 10' - is my un-ideal body shape holding me back from a relationship, certain activities, or even sales at work? Being boisterous - does this make people not interested in being friends with me? Being a sinner - does that make me inadequate for heavenly blessings?
These are all questions that should be answered with NO. We are more than the sum of our parts, we are more than what society tells us we should be. We are more than our sins. We are beloved creations of God.
Why can't I get that thought to be my default?