Skip to main content

Analyze This, Over-Analyze That

I've been meaning to write about this subject for weeks - and after four conversations this past week with this exact topic with friends, I'm even more convicted to write about it. Also Not Alone Series posts begin again next Tuesday with Rachel and Lindsay (new hosts!!), and I want to get back into the writing groove. Because I like sharing, I think I have something to say (at least to myself, future Katie, to look back on), and I'm looking for new stress relief so get ready!

I have a tendency to over-analyze things - which if you know me in real life you would never think! So over the last 18 months of being present in the online dating circle, I'm giving it up. I've also spend the last few weeks reading the beginning of this book by Aziz Ansari (it was only $3.99 so I splurged). He and this other guy Eric did a lot of research about Modern Romance and are bringing it back to the people.

The book puts in writing a lot of the things I'm experiencing in this crazy world as a 30 year old single gal trying to find herself a mate. I don't even think I'm fully immersed in to the online dating culture. For instance, none of this is happening. I don't pursue the men following Cindy's advice here - and also it not being fruitful after a few messages. I did take a leap (because I couldn't get this song out of my mind) on one guy and spent a few weeks chatting online and on the phone before an in person meeting that solidified how much I didn't ever want to talk with him again.

Another guy viewed my profile and had a little quiz in his that lead to his name and a 'find me on Facebook' hint - which I did and spent time crafting this great message to initiate a conversation in the hopes that he would respond. I was interested in what he wrote about himself and wanted to know more. Know what I got? ... ... ... You guessed it, a big fat nothing! No response at all.

All this does is confirm my extreme dislike of the whole online thing. I've always said "I don't want that to be my story" - I got over it. Meeting online isn't a bad story. It's not the first thing that people say - it won't be what we tell our grand-kids - unless this is the 'how' of our meeting.

"Grandma, how'd you and grandpa meet?" asked the cutest grand-kid ever.

"Well, you see. It was a long time ago in another era. He logged in to this online world where he could scroll through hundreds of different women that a computer matched him up with and view their carefully selected profile. He wasn't committed to the process enough to pay for the service, so he could only send Emotigrams to girls who's profile he liked. And one night he sent 20 of them, and I was one of them. (p.s. the first time we talked on the phone he told me that I wasn't the only girl he was interested in that night (p.p.s. yes a man who I talked to online said that to me the first time we talked on the phone)) So I decided I would send him a real message back and I crafted words so carefully it took me three days to even 'wink' back. Then for weeks and weeks we sent 'hello's and 'shocks' and 'welcome aboards' before he finally asked for my number to call me. Then three weeks later he called and we talked. Then we sent Facebook messages. Then he decided we should meet and 4 years later we got married. Now we live happily ever after."

In case you've never seen them, actual emoticons:

This says, I liked what I saw, but I'm too cheap to pay,
so I hope you like me enough to investigate my profile and
figure out a way to contact me outside of CM
even though you signed a contract stating
you wouldn't do that and I said I wouldn't ask you to.

Shocked at what? (no one's ever sent this to me, thank God!)

"Welcome Aboard" - what? The SS Lollipop?
Are we sailors now? WHO says this??
Anyway - back to the point. I know that there are many benefits of the online meeting (I'm going to refuse to call it online 'dating' - Dating is something people do when they are in the same space!). Expanding your circle to include people who you wouldn't otherwise know, being able to see that these people are all in it for marriage (but I've found that isn't really true), seeing from the beginning that you have common interests, etc...

I think about the men I know in real life, like one I saw again on Friday night. Having a conversation that's the beginning of friendship. Learning more about each other's lives and seeing if there's a good flow of conversation. Finding out tidbits about their life without reading their entire profile or FB history before even talking to them. Looking someone in the eye when speaking with them. Standing near someone experiencing more than just words, but body language, if they are being receptive to you. Etc...

These are the things that make a relationship. I know expanding your circle, widening the pool - I get it. I'm not putting down people who've met their spouses on CM or other sites (except Tinder, I'm not sure exactly how that creates a long term relationship - that's serious luck to find someone else in it for the long haul). That's great for you. It is. But for me, I want to live my life outside of my computer. I have a tendency to get sucked in to electronic / tech things and I don't want to pile one more thing into that lump.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I want a husband who's first encounter with me was "in the flesh" rather than a random "emoticon" after checking out 150 profiles one night when he was bored. I want mutual friends. I want shared interests. I want the same faith. I want to be pursued. It's a tall order, but I'm begging like the persistent old woman with the unjust judge. Only I'm a persistent single woman with a just Lord who loves me so much He cannot stop thinking about me - because if He does, I cease to exist (check it out, cool theology from the great Thomas Aquinas, although I can't find the reference). 

He can do anything, even the seemingly impossible. So I'm asking for everything. I see Him deliver all of the time. I'm removing my doubt that He will. I see friends who've asked for big things from the Lord and receive them in abundance. I've been there on my knees with them asking for spouses to begin fighting for their marriage rather than bailing. Cancer to be completely eradicated from their bodies. I believe it can happen, and I'm not giving up until I'm sitting at the feet of Jesus seeing how my life unfolded alone.


  1. Thank you for writing this post! I only tried online "dating" for two weeks before I knew it wasn't for me. I think it's great that people I know and respect have met their spouses that way, but I felt very strongly once I started that this was not the way my story would unfold. I cut my losses and moved on. It's not always easy trusting God completely with my love story, but I know I have grown so much in my faith and persistence of prayer during these years of being single. And because of that, as the years keep passing, I find myself believing even more firmly that God can, and will, bring someone into my life at just the right time. Someone who will have a real conversation with me right away. :)

    1. Thanks for reading along and I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in these thoughts!

  2. This is such an interesting topic! Several people I know of have had similar experiences: trying and then swearing off online "meeting" (much better term than dating!). I love how you talk about wanting a real relationship in real life. So true. It's easy to get sucked into technology like you said, and aren't relationships supposed to bring us outside ourselves? It's great that it's worked for some people, but knowing people in real life means so much more to me. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thanks for commenting! It's good for us to share together!!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Look Into my Inbox and What Did I See?

I receive the weekly notes from the Catholic Match Institute since my unsuccessful dabble in Online
Dating some time ago (link) and today's included the face of one of my favorite priests. A man who helped me become the Catholic woman, for better or worse, that I am today. He is doing a series of five videos for CM through Advent. The first two are below ... I encourage you to watch them and stay tuned for the next three! Fr. Ananias, OSB - what an Advent treat!

Do you ever get impatient?

I think this question to myself a lot.  I've been trying to grow in this area of virtue, but it's really difficult - as you can probably guess since the name of this blog is about patience!  It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I have some trouble with this area of my Spiritual Life.

Throughout my short life I've had the blessing of avoiding major tragedies, extreme suffering, and many heart aches that my peers have experienced.  I feel truly blessed that this is the case - and yet, why can't I get it through my head that being blessed is enough?

So often I forget, like at lunch today with two amazing ladies.  They are wonderful women, but some of the things they struggle with are the same that I struggle with - being patient with people at work, trying to have their personal lives on track, working on their own weight issues.  I only get frustrated with patience in these areas because I see these beautiful women who, in my mind, have everything put together…

NAS: Oh, so chivalrous!

Back with the Not Alone Series gals this week!

Oh, so chivalrous! Chivalry should not become a lost art and we, as women, ought to step up to the plate a bit more and encourage men to treat us as women, thereby respecting them as men. Do you have tips, ideas, or stories to encourage men to be... men?! Open doors for us, initiate dates, honor us as women, etc? Let's chat! (Thanks to Sarah Thérèse!)

My thoughts on this topic are varied and a little confusing even for me, but I will try to articulate it without sounding like I am complaining, which I am not.

I think chivalry is a lot about how it makes men and women feel, perception, and realizing we are all connected in this crazy world instead of living for ourselves.  I also think chivalry is not just about men doing things for women, but human beings taking care of human beings.  All that being said, here's a story to bed illustrate my thoughts.

About a month ago my friend who was recently ordained a priest drove down from wh…