WELL, I can assure you, that even thought I don't want to compare myself, I am constantly finding it happening. And sometimes when I don't compare I feel like I'm falling into the sin of pride because I think 'I'm all that.' Which I know it's true - I mean, I may in fact be 'all that' but not comparing and being prideful are two completely different things.
First, the subject of pride. We are prideful when we think we are the 'be all end all' (only the Lord is - since He's the beginning and the end and everything in between). We are prideful when we do not want to be told of something that we've done wrong - that we are in fact not on the 'up and up' in regards to ministry, our life, the world, etc... We are prideful when we think we are better than someone else, or we compare ourselves to another. Now, you ask, if I know that comparison is prideful how can I think not comparing is also prideful? I don't know - if I understood fully how my brain worked, I'd be a better person all around - but anyway, I digress.
Second, the subject of comparing. This is really only productive in math and science equations, not in the Spiritual or Ministerial life of a person. When I compare myself Spiritually, I become overwhelmed by my lact of holiness. I was talking to a friend about marriage preparation (both of us being single as a gal can get, by the way) and we discuss a lot about what we can do to prepare and most of the time we come to the conclusion that we first need to be satisfied with God alone before another person can even come into the picture. While discussing this though, she was telling me how she was now considering the religious life in a more serious fashion - that she would literally be satisfied with God alone. Then I thought - well, my mind didn't go anywhere near there - am I not praying whole-heartedly enough?
So you can see how comparing has once again gotten me into trouble. Goodness gracious you say - what is this chick thinking!
Then in ministry I become jealous of other successful programs or of what they have thought up and I don't want to steal their ideas, but I do take them to heart and change my methods! It's a cycle of competitiveness and comparison for me. I don't want to look bad because my program isn't as successful (but who is actually the measurer of success? -when it's me, that's when we get into problems). I also want to be on the 'cutting edge' if you will - doing things no one has thought of that yield results that no one can imagine. Welcome to Pride!
Now, the hard part is combating this, changing my attitude about it, and becoming a more virtuous, holier woman who seeks God's opinion about my life. Also to truly know that His is the only one that matters in the end. He is judging me, my ministry, my life, my will at the end of time; not anyone else. So, today I will try to focus on Him, His Will, His opinion, pleasing the one true God and no one else. Hopefully in the midst of that, others are drawn closer to the Lord as well.